Two years ago I made the decision to come off my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, why? Well I was in a good, no great place, at the time. I had gotten a job that I was really enjoying, I was in counselling and that seemed to be going well, I was in a new relationship, university was going well. So it seemed like the right time. Four months later, I finished counselling and for the past year and a half I’ve been coping pretty well on my own. Except, recently I haven’t.
The past three months have been slowly getting more difficult to trudge through. I’m working to pay my rent and bills and having barely any money to enjoy myself. I’m lonely because I’m working ridiculous hours and it’s impossible to have a social life with it not to mention the fact that I have few friends anyway. I’m not near my family and it hurts because while we aren’t very close, they’re very important to me and after living away so far away from them for three years it’s really hitting home how much I need them. And over the past few week I’ve been drinking a lot more, to the point in which I’ll have some form of alcohol daily and on my days off, or days where I have the night off from work and the next morning off, I’ll get drunk and I know that it’s not a healthy sign that I’m basically drinking whenever I’m not working or sleeping.
And I feel numb. Most of my waking sober hours are filled with me overthinking things, feeling detached from myself and reality and contemplating dying. I know I’m not okay, I know I’m struggling to breathe. It’s a task forcing myself out of bed to go to work, I don’t take care of myself. I am struggling and everything I learnt during my time of counselling seems to be useless now and I’m considering suicide again for the first time in two years. And I think what is really getting me down is knowing that I pulled through before, but I can’t seem to help myself now.
I need help, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m going to go back on medication and try to start therapy or counselling or something similar to help me. I am not okay, I am not in a good place right now, and because I have done it before, I feel bad about needing help again, because I wasn’t strong enough. But at the same time, because I have done it before, I know that there is nothing wrong with asking for help and admitting you’re struggling. Mental health is something many people struggle with alone because of the stigma around needing help but there is nothing wrong with needing help.